Current location:	Roehampton
Current mood:	snarky
Entry tags:	tips for punters

If you order a pint of beer named "Thick Black", it should not come as a surprise when I present you with a stout, not a pale ale.

Don't go to a cider bar looking for Strongbow or Magners. They're not real ciders.

For the matter, don't go to a cider bar and ask for beer.

When you've figured out that we only have real cider, remember that about 95% of the casks are called "blend" and they're all very different. Name the maker as well!

Speaking of different, if you ask for a sweet cider and I say we're sold out, feel free to ask to try the sweetest we have left, but if I warn you that its been rated dry, don't then pull your face and tell me it's dry. I know it is: I helped with the tasting and labelling, and I did warn you!

We may have takeaway cartons available for 50p, but that does not mean you can have four pints for 50p; that'll be £13.30 please.

I am quite aware that £3.60 is an expensive pint, but I don't have any control over the prices. Welcome to London! Yes, the beer is from Liverpool, but we, presently, are in London. Suck it up.

Bar staff on breaks: I especially expect you, of all people, to know that you need to bring a glass with you when you want a pint.

Don't give me a third pint glass and ask for a pint. I'm good, but I'm not that good.

Finally, don't go to a beer festival organised for the Campaign for Real Ale and ask for "a Carling or something". We will point and laugh :)